Written by- From One Mother to Another
There is this beautiful evolution that happens to women over time. This natural progression, combined with environmental experiences usually results in dynamic grown ass women.
Being a woman is hard. I will be the first woman to speak up and say “This shit is hard!” Being a mom is hard. I will be the first mom to say… Okay, you get the idea. Put being a woman and mom together and this shit will have nuts in it real quick.
Being in a relationship is hard, period.
I have lots of kids, lots of little horcruxes around (if you got the reference you are amazing!). I get asked lots of “experienced mom” questions. One of the hardest one starts off something like this:
Young mom: “How do you have time for anything?”
Me: I usually laugh and respond “I pee quickly and eat on the go!”
And then they repeat the question but with a different cadence and tonality, like a comedian setting up a joke with the perfect timing for me to get what they are really getting at. Like this:
Young mom: “No… I mean… uhm, how do you have time for… aaannnyyythiiiinnng?”
And then I get it. I can see the look in their eyes. They want to know how I have time for sex between diaper changes, work, wiping noses and teaching my kids to be nice humans. They also want to know when will “everything” go back to normal. And they mean their bodies, their desires, their energy and their life. My answer? It’s a hard answer. Ready for it?
That’s right, it doesn’t. Life will never be the same again, including sex. We evolve, we change, and we grow. That’s life. When you learn a new fact, you can’t go back to your mental state of being prior to learning the fact; you are forever changed. Same with Sex after motherhood. And that’s normal.
We are plagued and onslaughted with expectations such as: we should bounce back, we should be amorous, and ready for sex as soon as our partner is ready. What a crock of shit! Yup, I said it. Absolutely, a crock of shit.
Kids do squirrely things to us, our bodies and our lives. During my pregnancies, I experienced intimacy for the first time. I had this life growing in me, needing me, loving me without even truly knowing me. My babies were born and I felt connection, true connection for the first time.
I grow these tiny humans in my body and feed them from my body. Another person (a couple people, albeit smallish but still whole fucking people) passed through my body. My taunt young belly is now soft and supple. My breasts? Eventually found a new home at my knees. I had tiny humans, touching me, needing me and demanding me ALL the time. And I freely offer and give all my energy to those tiny hands but all I could muster was enough connection for them; they needed me for survival.
Most days I am touched out, I can only be touched so much before my head feels like it will explode.
And then, my partner looks at me and I know what he’s thinking… sex. Sex can feel like another need to be met, another person’s touch draining my energy that is nonexistent. There have been days… okay who am I kidding several days, when I haven’t showered, brushed my teeth or changed my clothes… and just thinking of sex drained me. And I felt selfish… let me say this again, I wasn’t able to shower, brush my teeth and change clothes due to the demands of keeping tiny humans alive AND. I. FELT. SELFISH.
I set the boundary that basic hygiene was a right NOT a privilege. If I didn’t have access to those rights, then the world was not a happy place and sex was not happening. I discovered what I needed to feel more like a human and less like a disaster. As I felt more human, my interest in sex grew.
I often hear mothers tell how they feel so bad they aren’t having sex, their “poor “partners. I realized that saying partners are more sexual than mothers is bullshit. Sex is something mutually enjoyed. I like sex. Not having sex is hard on me too. I shucked off the notion that not having sex is harder on my partner than me. If I have sex out of obligation that does a huge disservice to myself and my partner. This isn’t me just arbitrarily choosing not to have sex this is me saying I AM TOO TIRED, NOT TAKEN CARE OF MYSELF, DOING 1 MILLION THINGS TO KEEP TINY HUMANS ALIVE and I can’t muster enough energy to brush my teeth let alone have sex.
If I am tired or don’t feel like having sex, I don’t. I remind myself that it's important for sex to be enjoyable for both people, that my sexual pleasure, desire and wants are just as important as my partner's. I am just as sexual as my partner is I am just exhausted. That means when I do have sex, I don’t feel obligated or as if I am just meeting another's needs. I have sex because it’s fun, and one of the best things about being an adult.